If you live in America, everyday, it seems, brings another allegation of sexual assault to the publics attention. For instance, after finding out last week that NPR’s Senior Vice President for News resigned over sexual harassment claims dating back 20 years, I open Google News to find that Dustin Hoffman is now being accused of sexually harassing by a TV producer. (the interview of NPR CEO Jarl Mohn by Mary Louise Kelly is amazing, do listen to the segment). These allegations are in addition to recent stories about sexual harassment by Bill Cosby, Bill O’Reilly, Donald Trump, Harvey Weinstein, Kevin Spacey and, sadly, many more.

As a man, I’m deeply saddened and appalled that my sex includes such vile creatures. But I’m also surprised. I’m disappointed to report, that I thought sexual harassment, while still around, was far less prevalent than it appears to be. Particularly in the workplace. I have had several conversation over the last year pushing the idea that we have reached the end of workplace explicit discrimination based on sex. Instead, I truly believed that we had entered an era where the gender wage gap was no longer a result of outright discrimination, but instead was a systemic issue. I believed that women were paid less because they opted for more flexible work schedules instead of career advancement to take care of and have children. There is evidence for this sort of perspective, and I still think it’s true. This was the conversation that I thought we should be having. How can we allow for more flexibility in the workplace so women and men can both provide for their children and still advance their careers. But after all of the sexual harassment claims and the #MeToo movement, my perspective has changed. While I still think that in some way we need to address workplace flexibility, I now am much more concerned with how women are treated in our society and I am appalled that I have given so much attention to the systemic wage-gap theory and avoided how poorly some women are directly treated by men.

And unfortunately, as much as I want this story to be about the women, the victims who have been wronged, for me my transition in perspective has come from the Men who I know in my life. Since the election of Donald Trump, men that I know have routinely been apologetic of Trump’s statements that brag about sexual harassment. When Donald Trump’s “they let you grab them by the pussy” comments came to light, I had friends say that it was common place, that “we all do it”. When I replied: “yeah we can say bad stuff, but we never locker room talk about sexual harassment”, they all awkwardly laughed and shrugged as if to say, “come on, we all do it”. Unfortunately that ended the conversation. Let’s be clear, I think women are beautiful. I have said so much to my friends in private. And I have been a horny young man who has talked about wanting women. All of those things are OK. But there is a big difference between being attracted to women and being OK with, or even talking about, grabbing a women, or using a women. Comments and actions from men who condone sexual harassment across the country should be whole heartedly condemned, not awkwardly shrugged off and excepted.

And that isn’t the only story, just two weeks ago I had a guy at a wedding try to tell me that he slapped a girls ass (a coworker of his, and a friend of mine), and she was pissed. He thought she was over reacting. At the time, I was complicit. I should of said something, but I didn’t. I just awkwardly shrugged my shoulders and laughed in discomfort. Men have to get to the point where we no longer tolerate our friends oppressive behavior. Women have been crying out for decades. Only to have men, who in public are supportive of women, in private shrug off even the ugliest comments.

These events and the mounting allegations in the news, have left me wanting to issue an apology to all of the women who I have mansplained the real issue with the gender wage gap to. I stand by what I think of the wage gap and I still want to make the work place more flexible and accommodating to both men and women who have children. But I completely revoke any time that I said that workplace discrimination was a thing of the past. I hope you can forgive me for being such an insensitive ass. I suspect I have talked with some women, who have been sexually harassed in the workplace, about this topic. And I didn’t understand why they were so pissed. Now I understand. Now I see the problem. And I am sorry to you, those who I have ignored because some stupid study says there is an average that means absolutely nothing compared to you, who have had to be treated like shit by a man. I now know sexual predatory men are out there and a prevalent component of our society. And I will try not to be silent for you.